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Home > Columnists > C.E. Marraffino
May 08, 2012

Trusting Cheaters

Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high school with. Cara lives in a house with several other girls.

The first time I met her roommate "Lisa," I felt uncomfortable. I'm not the jealous type, but something about her bothered me. Still, I continued to be nice to her and supportive of Aidan's friendships.

A few days ago, Aidan came clean and told me that he had drunkenly made out with Lisa. He said he was stressed over school and went to see Cara, but only Lisa was home. He got drunk, and they got overly friendly. He said he felt terrible and was tormented for a week before he told me. He promised it would never happen again.

I'm having a hard time trusting my boyfriend, and I certainly can't trust Lisa. I don't want him to be friends with her anymore. Aidan says I'm being unreasonable since Cara is his only friend. He doesn't want to cause problems or be lonely because he can't go to her house or has to leave if Lisa is there.

I'm hurt and confused by his perception of the situation. He doesn't think it should be a big deal because he didn't sleep with her. I want Lisa completely out of the picture. I feel that Aidan is more worried about upsetting Cara and her roommates than he is about upsetting me. Shouldn't he take my side? — Northern Petunia

Dear Northern: Yes. We agree that he needn't give up his friendship with Cara, but being around Lisa is problematic. Aidan needs to support your position on this and take the necessary steps to avoid being in a compromising place. He can see Cara outside of her apartment. If he is unwilling to change his visiting habits, you need to decide whether you can trust him or not.

Dear Annie: I have no family or friends to speak of. I have joined too many dating services to count. It looks like I am going to be by myself for whatever time I have left. So what does one do with one's personal effects when they have no one to whom to leave it all?

I am 54, and every year it gets a little scarier. I have been able to figure out pretty much any problem in life, but this one has me stuck. — Worried Woman

Dear Worried: You can donate personal items to charity, a local historical society, a women's shelter or any organization that would appreciate them. But also consider seeing a counselor. Someone who has no friends could use a little help finding out why and learning ways to change that dynamic. We also recommend doing some volunteer work in your area. It will lift your spirits and help others.

Dear Annie: "Sad Wife" wants her husband to be the breadwinner, but he suffers from low self-esteem and works a minimum-wage job. Meanwhile, they just had a baby, and she was forced to go back to work.

She needs to take responsibility for her bad choices. Wanting her husband to be the breadwinner is her priority, not his. She should have married someone who was already capable of supporting a family, not someone who promised he would take steps to make it happen. And if it's so important for her to be a stay-at-home mom, why did she get pregnant with a guy who had a minimum-wage job?

If she regrets her choices, she needs to "man up" and either leave him or find a solution, such as a job that allows her to work from home. — LYC

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.


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